I am B42 in the blood queue and when I got here the current number was 94. I am waiting in Homerton which is not my favourite place. Today the smell is that smell the one I remember from father’s cousin when she was comotose and on the way out.
I am sick of hospitals. I will be getting a lot sicker pretty soon, or not, depending on the outcome of mother’s hip operation which was scheduled for 31st of January but got bumped. My brother scared me by telling me that some hospitals use it as a culling tool, weed out the really hopeless cases and operate on them for some reason or other. It sorts the wheat from the chaff.
And then there is the woman mother has been sharing her room with in the care home. Apparently she had the same operation and has turned into a speechless, apparently cluelss, certainly helpless bag of meat. Fuck I am scared that could happen to her. But then what are the odds of that. Two old women gaga’ed by anaesthetic in the same room.
I have a scapula that a friend gave me and I put the virgin half of it between my lips and almost pray. I make that action a lot at the moment. For someone bought up to be an atheist I am bothering Mrs of Nazareth an awful lot these days: Don’t let me make a fool of myself at school, give me the confidence to speak clearly here, stop this thing from happening there, grant my wish, please dear god just grant me this one wish. The actual wish depends on what is going on at the particular time.
There are 22 more people to in front of me now. The numbers go down in sudden batches and then they freeze for a while. Now and then a batch go in and then sometimes a person big enough to be a batch all of their own.
But it is still hospital. And I don’t like it. I spent a miserable week to and fro the first miscarriage and increasingly desperate later pregnancies at some point in one of these places with a number in the blood clinic. Apparently mine is a bit sticky, a little sluggish, a teeny bit homicidal when it comes to foetuses, perhaps, or maybe not because a course of heparin didn’t save the last one.